Monday, October 29, 2012

I am a Vain Asshole

I had a doctors appointment today.

I am 39 weeks and 3 days pregnant and TOTALLY over it.

I left my appointment crying.

I wasn't crying because my BP is borderline high and has been for weeks.

I wasn't crying because I've been a super jerk to everyone I love because of how miserable I am.

I wasn't crying because the doctor brought up induction if my BP isn't better on Wednesday and I'm a psychotic control freak and don't know what that means.

I wasn't crying because I have felt like garbage for the last week and other than BP there really isn't any answer they can give me.

I wasn't crying because I've been to L&D twice in the last week and was sent home both times with nothing more than a, "There's nothing wrong with you."

I wasn't crying because they did an u/s and I got to see our precious baby playing pokey-fingers and her little perfect heart beating away.

No. No tears for something that makes sense.

I was crying because I've gained two pounds since Thursday.

Yup. I. Am. A. Vain. Asshole.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

This Might Surprise You... But I don't care {{PSA}}

There is this awful thing that society has done to pregnant women, or rather that it does to people who see pregnant women. Something clicks in their brains and makes them stupid. Not only does it make them stupid but it makes them stupid and removes any kind of brain-to-mouth-filter allowing them to say whatever they want.

I would like to share a few conversations that people have had with me in the last few weeks and then, I would like to 'surprise' you by telling you that I REALLY don't care what happened to you, or {{insert any random person here that you might know - like your cousin's sister's boyfriends best friend that you met that one time}} or about ANY thing you may have watched on TLC or Discovery Health {{specifically pertaining to parasitic bugs}}.

Conversation #1~ I'm having three girls, who will all be in high school together {{this isn't lost on me I PROMISE}} so please tell me how much they are going to hate {{HAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTEEEEE}} me. Really, it's awesome and pretty much what every miserable, pregnant woman wants to hear.

Conversation #2~ I'm having three girls, who will undoubtedly and so surely hate {{HAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTEEEEE}} each other some day that our family will be broken and never be a "normal" family, all because I went and had three girls. Thanks.

Conversation #3~ I'm fairly close to delivery so please tell me again about your {{insert any random person here that you might know or have heard about through the grave vine - like your cousin's sister's boyfriends best friend that you met that one time}} that had a perfectly normal, healthy pregnancy until the last week when their baby died in utero. {{*Thumbs up!* You rock!}}

Conversation #4~ Please tell me how concerned you are about our money/health insurance situation, strange person I have NEVER met, who has NO IDEA about either "situation".

Conversation#5~ "I saw this episode of {{blank}} of TLC or Discovery Health, did you see it?! It was crazy the woman gave birth in a tree/hut/forest/flagpole/doghouse/whatever. Is that how you are going to do it?!" or "I saw this crazy, INSANELY biased, one sided, ignorant, video on {{some medical procedure that pertains to child birthing}} online. You aren't going to do that are you?!"

Conversation #6~ Please keep telling me how your ability to go drug-free pertains to MY vagina. {{Hmmmmm... ya know? I don't think it does...}}

Conversation#7~ "Wow!! You're SOOOO {{insert any adjective describing something large}}!!!!!!"

On behalf of all pregnant women, if you are discussing any of the above {{or anything else that might be added to the list}} and you get a blank, blinking stare and a big, stupid smile, it's not baby-brain, it's just a hallucination of you getting stabbed in the eye with a very rusty fork. Do yourself a favor, quickly change the subject by telling her she's the most beautiful pregnant woman you have ever seen... and run.

I don't care about any of it and I REALLY don't want to hear it. Neither does any other poor pregnant woman you corner in the grocery store, for that matter. And for the record, no it's not twins. But thank you for asking.