The Big Picture

I was two seconds away from writing a blog last night about how scared I am for the things to come and my mom called to tell me something really great, which was a perfect reminder that when God opens doors, there isn't much else to do but walk through them.

For the last three years, I have been working mostly full time on a Bachelor's degree in Interior Design. We have always discussed my graduation date with a "some day this will happen" sort of way and I honestly thought I had at least another full year of classes before I finished. In June, my academic adviser counted and gave me a number that made me really happy and after counting {{a few times}} I realized by the middle of January, I should be finishing up my last two classes. This is GREAT news. I am excited to be finishing and getting done with something I have worked so hard on, but that excitement comes with a lot of other feelings too.

In June I shut down SBE. For awhile {{actually the whole entire month of June}} I was pouting about the 'loss' of my business. For years now I have worked, studied, researched, worked some more, on creating SBE, growing SBE, and making something of it. My life the last twelve months had been a crazy chaos of kid-work, life-work, school-work, SBE-work, and house-work. There were weeks where I was going non-stop from 5am until 10 o'clock at night - days where I literally didn't sit, except for at dinner. And when we decided in June that I needed to set SBE aside, for the bigger picture, and it freed up a good portion of my day, I literally didn't know what to do with my hands. I've been afraid to write about this because I was worried about what people would think were the reasons we decided to stop putting energy into it, after working so hard to get where we were; if it's really making money, why stop? One of the main reasons was because we decided to home school. Homeschooling is right for our family for a number of reasons {{I'm not going into right now}} and if you are already so busy that you don't sit down but once a day, it would be nearly impossible add that too your day. J was {{rightfully}} worried about my ability to juggle it all. Another main {{and probably more important}} reason is because it was just time. I realized a few months back that SBE was never meant to be my life long goal. In fact, part of the chaos was getting SBE handled and then working on my school work, for my actual life long goal. One day after praying for guidance on the whole situation, I saw the video testimony of someone I admire and she was saying how she felt like a failure for closing her business. God told her it would be okay because He had bigger things in mind for her, later. Sometimes those immediate answers are the ones you need to hear the most. I never dreamed that my little business would become what it did. Say what you will but I sold several thousands of dollars worth of glass mugs last year {{maybe not tens of thousands, but it was only my second real year in business.}} Glasses that I designed. FROM OUR HOUSE. That's nothing to sneeze at when you're working around a family schedule, a full time school schedule, and a military schedule. Running SBE and doing it all myself and figuring things out as I went taught me so much about the business side of, well, business-ing {{that's a word, right?}} The experiences I have gained from SBE will be invaluable in the future when I am ready to start again, on the bigger picture, later.

That brings me back to the things to come. Though I whole-heartedly feel that homeschooling is for us, the way our schedules are right now, with my school ending, and J's work schedule as busy as ever, we have decided to send Bug back to school this year. My baby is going to first grade. She's a very bright little girl and our main reason for homeschooling is because of how bored she was in kindergarten. But I have been assured by the school counselor they will pay very close attention to Bug and make sure she is being properly challenged. 2.0 is also going to school this year, and Baby J will also start preK after she turns three in the fall. Their level of excitement and readiness {{somewhat}} eases my anxiety {{why is the world so scary!?}} about them being away from me for most of the day. This change is probably going to be the hardest on me. I have been at home with them since before I even had Bug, and now three of the four will be gone for most of the day. {{Have I ever mentioned I'm a control freak?}} I know they have to grow up some day, but I just want them to stay little and innocent forever {{is this too much to ask for?!}} I'm not ready for them not to need me the way they always have. I also know that easing them into a school routine will be much easier than dumping them in daycare when it's time for my internship {{and hopefully a full time job}} and leaving it up to them to adjust on their own. My BFF said something that will stay with me forever, "Who are we without them?" And that's exactly it. I have all these things I want to do but I know in the depths of my being that none of it will ever compare... to them.

The last big thing to come is a doozy. It's also scary {{and wonderful, and exciting, and overwhelming}} but we think it's what is going to be the best start for our big picture: the kids and I will be staying with my mom in CA for my internship. I'm not sure if you've ever looked at Fort Polk on a map, but we are sort of in the middle of nowhere. There isn't much around and though I do have a couple options for interning out here, they won't really be as outstanding as they will be in the bay area in CA, nor will they be even close to where I would like to go with my career. This is a problem solved for me and things have fallen together so well with it, there is only one explanation {{remember those doors I was speaking of?}} As for fear of all the scary changes, I have decided to embrace it. My friend wrote about fear on her {{wonderful}} blog, she said, "At every transition the devil will send a spirit of fear, but 'I have not given you a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and self-discipline.' 2 Timothy 1:7."

So here's to the big picture, opening doors, and family <3.

Meant to Be

ok, ok, it's been awhile {{seriously though, since February?!}} and a LOT has changed since my last 'it's time to count my blessings' post. I could go into a long detailed post about how big Bug is, how 2.0 is the smallest walking attitude I have EVER met, how Baby J lights up our whole day, or how having three children under four kind of feels like being pecked alive by seagulls, but I'm not going to. Instead, I'm going to tell you about this funny thing that happened to me in the end of May. To start this story off properly, I need to back up and start where two of my best recent stories start: This one time at pre-pregnancy weight...

I was just finishing a neighborhood group boot camp workout. It was after bed time {{blessed, sacred bedtime}} and I was on the phone with my beloved - who was out of town, pouring myself a nice glass of Moscato {{what you don't celebrate your bad ass workouts with wine?}} when suddenly, I didn't feel so hot. I quickly got off the phone and then promptly dry heaved into the kitchen sink. Now, for most people this may have sent up some serious red flags about the goings on in their bodies, but I *had* just finished like a thousand {{fifty}} burpees, it was possible my chicken salad had not been enough of a dinner and, as I gazed at the bottle of wine I was fixin to open, it was also very likely I may have been dehydrated; So I opted for a thermos of water and went about my evening with no other issues. A few days later while I was de-newborn-babying my house, it happened again. Just randomly dry heaved and then I was fine. In fact, it happened three more times over the next five days. I wasn't really sure why it was happening. I was drinking water. I was eating well. I was working out. AND I had an IUD in so that nixed the most obvious explanation, right? {{RIGHT?!}} After the whole Baby J 'mishap' I had opted for Paraguard. Hormone free. Goes in and you don't have to think about it ever again. And we've all seen the commercials. Those things are more than 99% effective. Effectiveness is what we were going for, so Paraguard it was. Well, after the third time in a week I started feeling really sick, dry heaved, and then felt much better, I decided to tell someone. Let's face it people, there aren't many flu's you can catch where you dry heave and then feel better and have no other symptoms, but there is also a large river in Egypt called denial. It was at this time a friend urged me to take a pregnancy test. I was really doubtful and really only took the test so I could wave the BFN in her face and say, "SEEEEE?!" The joke was on me though, the damn thing was positive before the control line even showed up... Hilarity ensues as I try to make the whole thing make sense in my brain while dealing with doctors that I have since quit. The flabbergasted "OH NO! That's what my wife has!" I got from my PCM was not very comforting. Then he used the word "Placebo" in a sentence while discussing my IUD, and by the time I left the office I was twitching and laughing maniacally like a psycho on the edge. A few days later my OB, who was just as horrified appalled shocked as I was, confirmed that there was in fact a baby in there and that there was no IUD {{which was really the best case scenario of the three that could have played out.}} Not only was there a baby, but it measured almost 8 weeks, and was moving and jumping around. Doing some research of my own I found out that the more kids you have, the more likely an IUD is to fall out. In fact, if you have three or more kids, your chances of it coming out rise to about ten percent. That's right people, chew on that little statistic for a minute. TEN PERCENT. That means, that for me {{and anyone else who has had three or more kids}} the IUD is only 90% effective. Also, without being graphic, I had some symptoms of it falling out that no one ever discussed with me and since I had just had a baby, I passed the symptoms off as that {{My point here is to read the fine print.}}

You would think that at this point I would have had a nervous breakdown about the reality of the situation, but I think as soon as I peed on that damn stick and it was positive so fast I had decided that I was CLEARLY {{CLEARLY!!}} not in control of the situation and the best thing to do was to just ride it out and give it to God. So, here we go again... for the THIRD YEAR IN A ROW {{and yes, if you're counting that's four kids in five years, and in case you had some how missed it, YES, we DO know what causes it.}}

Our fourth child {{and LAST - GOD WILLING}} and first son is due on January 9th, 2014