Meant to Be

ok, ok, it's been awhile {{seriously though, since February?!}} and a LOT has changed since my last 'it's time to count my blessings' post. I could go into a long detailed post about how big Bug is, how 2.0 is the smallest walking attitude I have EVER met, how Baby J lights up our whole day, or how having three children under four kind of feels like being pecked alive by seagulls, but I'm not going to. Instead, I'm going to tell you about this funny thing that happened to me in the end of May. To start this story off properly, I need to back up and start where two of my best recent stories start: This one time at pre-pregnancy weight...

I was just finishing a neighborhood group boot camp workout. It was after bed time {{blessed, sacred bedtime}} and I was on the phone with my beloved - who was out of town, pouring myself a nice glass of Moscato {{what you don't celebrate your bad ass workouts with wine?}} when suddenly, I didn't feel so hot. I quickly got off the phone and then promptly dry heaved into the kitchen sink. Now, for most people this may have sent up some serious red flags about the goings on in their bodies, but I *had* just finished like a thousand {{fifty}} burpees, it was possible my chicken salad had not been enough of a dinner and, as I gazed at the bottle of wine I was fixin to open, it was also very likely I may have been dehydrated; So I opted for a thermos of water and went about my evening with no other issues. A few days later while I was de-newborn-babying my house, it happened again. Just randomly dry heaved and then I was fine. In fact, it happened three more times over the next five days. I wasn't really sure why it was happening. I was drinking water. I was eating well. I was working out. AND I had an IUD in so that nixed the most obvious explanation, right? {{RIGHT?!}} After the whole Baby J 'mishap' I had opted for Paraguard. Hormone free. Goes in and you don't have to think about it ever again. And we've all seen the commercials. Those things are more than 99% effective. Effectiveness is what we were going for, so Paraguard it was. Well, after the third time in a week I started feeling really sick, dry heaved, and then felt much better, I decided to tell someone. Let's face it people, there aren't many flu's you can catch where you dry heave and then feel better and have no other symptoms, but there is also a large river in Egypt called denial. It was at this time a friend urged me to take a pregnancy test. I was really doubtful and really only took the test so I could wave the BFN in her face and say, "SEEEEE?!" The joke was on me though, the damn thing was positive before the control line even showed up... Hilarity ensues as I try to make the whole thing make sense in my brain while dealing with doctors that I have since quit. The flabbergasted "OH NO! That's what my wife has!" I got from my PCM was not very comforting. Then he used the word "Placebo" in a sentence while discussing my IUD, and by the time I left the office I was twitching and laughing maniacally like a psycho on the edge. A few days later my OB, who was just as horrified appalled shocked as I was, confirmed that there was in fact a baby in there and that there was no IUD {{which was really the best case scenario of the three that could have played out.}} Not only was there a baby, but it measured almost 8 weeks, and was moving and jumping around. Doing some research of my own I found out that the more kids you have, the more likely an IUD is to fall out. In fact, if you have three or more kids, your chances of it coming out rise to about ten percent. That's right people, chew on that little statistic for a minute. TEN PERCENT. That means, that for me {{and anyone else who has had three or more kids}} the IUD is only 90% effective. Also, without being graphic, I had some symptoms of it falling out that no one ever discussed with me and since I had just had a baby, I passed the symptoms off as that {{My point here is to read the fine print.}}

You would think that at this point I would have had a nervous breakdown about the reality of the situation, but I think as soon as I peed on that damn stick and it was positive so fast I had decided that I was CLEARLY {{CLEARLY!!}} not in control of the situation and the best thing to do was to just ride it out and give it to God. So, here we go again... for the THIRD YEAR IN A ROW {{and yes, if you're counting that's four kids in five years, and in case you had some how missed it, YES, we DO know what causes it.}}

Our fourth child {{and LAST - GOD WILLING}} and first son is due on January 9th, 2014

I am a Vain Asshole

I had a doctors appointment today.

I am 39 weeks and 3 days pregnant and TOTALLY over it.

I left my appointment crying.

I wasn't crying because my BP is borderline high and has been for weeks.

I wasn't crying because I've been a super jerk to everyone I love because of how miserable I am.

I wasn't crying because the doctor brought up induction if my BP isn't better on Wednesday and I'm a psychotic control freak and don't know what that means.

I wasn't crying because I have felt like garbage for the last week and other than BP there really isn't any answer they can give me.

I wasn't crying because I've been to L&D twice in the last week and was sent home both times with nothing more than a, "There's nothing wrong with you."

I wasn't crying because they did an u/s and I got to see our precious baby playing pokey-fingers and her little perfect heart beating away.

No. No tears for something that makes sense.

I was crying because I've gained two pounds since Thursday.

Yup. I. Am. A. Vain. Asshole.

This Might Surprise You... But I don't care {{PSA}}

There is this awful thing that society has done to pregnant women, or rather that it does to people who see pregnant women. Something clicks in their brains and makes them stupid. Not only does it make them stupid but it makes them stupid and removes any kind of brain-to-mouth-filter allowing them to say whatever they want.

I would like to share a few conversations that people have had with me in the last few weeks and then, I would like to 'surprise' you by telling you that I REALLY don't care what happened to you, or {{insert any random person here that you might know - like your cousin's sister's boyfriends best friend that you met that one time}} or about ANY thing you may have watched on TLC or Discovery Health {{specifically pertaining to parasitic bugs}}.

Conversation #1~ I'm having three girls, who will all be in high school together {{this isn't lost on me I PROMISE}} so please tell me how much they are going to hate {{HAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTEEEEE}} me. Really, it's awesome and pretty much what every miserable, pregnant woman wants to hear.

Conversation #2~ I'm having three girls, who will undoubtedly and so surely hate {{HAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTEEEEE}} each other some day that our family will be broken and never be a "normal" family, all because I went and had three girls. Thanks.

Conversation #3~ I'm fairly close to delivery so please tell me again about your {{insert any random person here that you might know or have heard about through the grave vine - like your cousin's sister's boyfriends best friend that you met that one time}} that had a perfectly normal, healthy pregnancy until the last week when their baby died in utero. {{*Thumbs up!* You rock!}}

Conversation #4~ Please tell me how concerned you are about our money/health insurance situation, strange person I have NEVER met, who has NO IDEA about either "situation".

Conversation#5~ "I saw this episode of {{blank}} of TLC or Discovery Health, did you see it?! It was crazy the woman gave birth in a tree/hut/forest/flagpole/doghouse/whatever. Is that how you are going to do it?!" or "I saw this crazy, INSANELY biased, one sided, ignorant, video on {{some medical procedure that pertains to child birthing}} online. You aren't going to do that are you?!"

Conversation #6~ Please keep telling me how your ability to go drug-free pertains to MY vagina. {{Hmmmmm... ya know? I don't think it does...}}

Conversation#7~ "Wow!! You're SOOOO {{insert any adjective describing something large}}!!!!!!"

On behalf of all pregnant women, if you are discussing any of the above {{or anything else that might be added to the list}} and you get a blank, blinking stare and a big, stupid smile, it's not baby-brain, it's just a hallucination of you getting stabbed in the eye with a very rusty fork. Do yourself a favor, quickly change the subject by telling her she's the most beautiful pregnant woman you have ever seen... and run.

I don't care about any of it and I REALLY don't want to hear it. Neither does any other poor pregnant woman you corner in the grocery store, for that matter. And for the record, no it's not twins. But thank you for asking.