Emotional Cleaning

Do you emotional clean? It's what I do so I don't eat my feelings. Ok, it's what I do AFTER I eat my feelings. It's not the same as everyday cleaning. It's getting the gloves and the toothbrush out and scrubbing the baseboards until the paint comes off... It's different.

I lost an old friend this week. He passed away early Sunday morning. It's been awhile since I had talked to him. Too long. At one point in my life he was a part of a group of friends that I spent three or four nights a week with. We were close and we always had so much fun together. We had it made. We totally took it for granted. One day life happened and everything changed.

Bret was one of the most genuine people I have ever met. I don't think I ever heard him say a bad thing about anyone. He was one hell of a hard worker. He loved his Mama. And he would have given the shirt off of his back to anyone who asked, if he thought it would help them. He also new how to have fun. I can't remember one single time I was with him that I didn't laugh until my sides hurt. Even if I was in a bad mood, he made me better. That's just how he was.

I have a good grasp on death, or so I think. Everyone dies. Sometimes, it's a relief. It ends the pain of a long struggle or battle. For some it's peaceful. For some it's ugly. But everyone goes. It sucks when it's someone young. Sucks even more when it might have been done by their own hand. It ends their hurt but it leaves a void.

And questions.

And confusion.

Questions:

How does a person go from being such a big part of your life to not a part of it at all, overnight?

And why is that normal?

Is it wrong to remember someone for being the life of the party, if the party is ultimately what gets them?

Confusion:

It just doesn't make sense.
{{A sentiment echoed by every. single. person I know.}}

And so I clean.

Hoping I can bleach answers out of the bath tub. Organize the chaos in my house, to help clear up the chaos in my head.

It might not work...

But at least the house looks nice.

I Missed You {{Me}}

Last year was crazy. The baby. The Deployment. The other baby... I haven't felt like myself in a looooooong time. The last time I was *just* about there, *just* about back to some resemblance of a human, I found out I was expecting number three. I know down to the very bottom of my toes that I am one blessed individual. Between my husband and my three beautiful babies, I have no clue what I have done to deserve them and honestly the thought of losing one of them shakes me straight to my core. That being said, having three kids in four years can really do something to a girl.I love them to death but sometimes I feel like I am being attacked by a tiny mob of cute zombies. They're hungry, they're tired, they're thirsty, they need to be changed, hugged, kissed, cuddled, played with, bathed. Let's not forget their laundry, dishes, diapers, toys. My list of things to do never ends. My day starts early {{waaayyyy too early}} and it doesn't end until well after bedtime. Add in school work {{something has to keep groceries in the fridge after J retires some day}} housework {{cough, cough}} and let's not forget my fourth "child" {{love you honey!!}} and dealing with everything it means to be a military spouse. It's easy to lose yourself in trying to make sure everyone else gets taken care of {{it's kind of like being slowly eaten alive... by zombies... Just kidding...but seriously}}

On top of all of that, I have been feeling pretty bad about myself. You know what's really cute on a pregnant woman? A big round belly. You know what's cute on a not-pregnant lady?? {{Womp, womp}} Combine it all together and I've probably been an ogre. Screw not "being myself," I was probably closer to a cave dweller.

The good news is that Baby J is finally old enough for me to start working out. I am nursing and, though I am a little nervous about what it will do to that, everything I have read says to go for it - and drink water {{Lots and lots of water}}. So Friday, I started working out again. Nothing crazy. I want to start slow to prevent a supply loss, so I'm only doing thirty minutes of cardio... for now. I've always known that working out is my therapy, but I didn't realize how much I needed it until I was on my elliptical tonight.

Thirty minutes of quiet. Thirty minutes of by myself. Thirty minutes of blowing off steam. Thirty minutes and my shakra is aligned; my world is at peace {{Namaste}}. Thirty minutes and the ogre is gone...

Thirty minutes just for Me...

T'was Two Weeks Weeks Before Christmas

I could update you on all the big things I've missed in the last few months, but since all five of my readers are FB friends, I'll just skip that and jump right to something REALLY important...

Christmas Stockings.

I have a friend who makes them. She owns Divastitch12 and is amazing at sewing awesome things. She is also the one who urged/inspired me to buy a sewing machine and a few weeks ago also convinced me I was capable of sewing stockings for my, now, family of five.

I started out on Pinterest {{where I start all my important projects}} and found a link to a pattern I love on etsy at a shop called YardsandYards. I purchased it and on black Friday picked up the fabric necessary. It took a few weeks to make time for them, but once I got going I was SO excited!!

The pattern was SUPER easy to follow. {{I'm new at this whole pattern reading thing, remember?}} But I was pleased to find very detailed instructions with pictures. I even managed to make them all the same size {{Wowza!!}} I had my friend embroider our names on the cuffs and I even managed to make all the names show and hang in the same direction {{A Christmas MIRACLE!!}}

I freakin LOVE THEM!!

Yay!! Christmas!!

I am a Vain Asshole

I had a doctors appointment today.

I am 39 weeks and 3 days pregnant and TOTALLY over it.

I left my appointment crying.

I wasn't crying because my BP is borderline high and has been for weeks.

I wasn't crying because I've been a super jerk to everyone I love because of how miserable I am.

I wasn't crying because the doctor brought up induction if my BP isn't better on Wednesday and I'm a psychotic control freak and don't know what that means.

I wasn't crying because I have felt like garbage for the last week and other than BP there really isn't any answer they can give me.

I wasn't crying because I've been to L&D twice in the last week and was sent home both times with nothing more than a, "There's nothing wrong with you."

I wasn't crying because they did an u/s and I got to see our precious baby playing pokey-fingers and her little perfect heart beating away.

No. No tears for something that makes sense.

I was crying because I've gained two pounds since Thursday.

Yup. I. Am. A. Vain. Asshole.

This Might Surprise You... But I don't care {{PSA}}

There is this awful thing that society has done to pregnant women, or rather that it does to people who see pregnant women. Something clicks in their brains and makes them stupid. Not only does it make them stupid but it makes them stupid and removes any kind of brain-to-mouth-filter allowing them to say whatever they want.

I would like to share a few conversations that people have had with me in the last few weeks and then, I would like to 'surprise' you by telling you that I REALLY don't care what happened to you, or {{insert any random person here that you might know - like your cousin's sister's boyfriends best friend that you met that one time}} or about ANY thing you may have watched on TLC or Discovery Health {{specifically pertaining to parasitic bugs}}.

Conversation #1~ I'm having three girls, who will all be in high school together {{this isn't lost on me I PROMISE}} so please tell me how much they are going to hate {{HAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTEEEEE}} me. Really, it's awesome and pretty much what every miserable, pregnant woman wants to hear.

Conversation #2~ I'm having three girls, who will undoubtedly and so surely hate {{HAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTEEEEE}} each other some day that our family will be broken and never be a "normal" family, all because I went and had three girls. Thanks.

Conversation #3~ I'm fairly close to delivery so please tell me again about your {{insert any random person here that you might know or have heard about through the grave vine - like your cousin's sister's boyfriends best friend that you met that one time}} that had a perfectly normal, healthy pregnancy until the last week when their baby died in utero. {{*Thumbs up!* You rock!}}

Conversation #4~ Please tell me how concerned you are about our money/health insurance situation, strange person I have NEVER met, who has NO IDEA about either "situation".

Conversation#5~ "I saw this episode of {{blank}} of TLC or Discovery Health, did you see it?! It was crazy the woman gave birth in a tree/hut/forest/flagpole/doghouse/whatever. Is that how you are going to do it?!" or "I saw this crazy, INSANELY biased, one sided, ignorant, video on {{some medical procedure that pertains to child birthing}} online. You aren't going to do that are you?!"

Conversation #6~ Please keep telling me how your ability to go drug-free pertains to MY vagina. {{Hmmmmm... ya know? I don't think it does...}}

Conversation#7~ "Wow!! You're SOOOO {{insert any adjective describing something large}}!!!!!!"

On behalf of all pregnant women, if you are discussing any of the above {{or anything else that might be added to the list}} and you get a blank, blinking stare and a big, stupid smile, it's not baby-brain, it's just a hallucination of you getting stabbed in the eye with a very rusty fork. Do yourself a favor, quickly change the subject by telling her she's the most beautiful pregnant woman you have ever seen... and run.

I don't care about any of it and I REALLY don't want to hear it. Neither does any other poor pregnant woman you corner in the grocery store, for that matter. And for the record, no it's not twins. But thank you for asking.

There Is No Time Like Now...

There's No Time Like Now...

For spending an afternoon with the awesome women in your life {{and getting gorgeous jewelry in the process}}...

I hosted a Lia Sophia Party for a friend yesterday and it was so much fun! I know I have said it before, but I really do have the BEST neighbors!

For eating delicious food...

There is a new bakery in our little corner of the world. They offer delicious cupcakes {{that I may or may not have been eating too many of recently}} and they were part of the treats at the party. YUM!!

For... cleaning your carpets...?

{{Wait, What?!}} Pretty sure, I walked my last two guests upstairs last night to show them around, leaving 2.0 sitting on the floor drinking from her bottle. When we walked back down stairs, she had EXPLODED in her diaper, leaving poo-pile #1 {{And. It. Was. EPIC.}} Then she crawled through it, schmearing it ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE LIVING ROOM. Where we found her sitting in poo-pile #2 {{Yay life!}} Remember those AWESOME neighbors I mentioned? Yea, one of them ran home to get her carpet cleaner and cleaned the area for me, while the other neighbor and I tried to clean 2.0 off without touching her. {{Or gagging... The smell was AWFUL!!}} Thanks, Ladies!! YOU ROCK!

For going back to school...

Yup, two weeks ago, I found out The Art Institute is now offering online degrees and it was like the design gods had opened the clouds and spoken to me {{Actually, her name was Tara and I was chatting with her on their website. It's sort of the same thing though.}} I enrolled right away and today was my first day of the B.S. Interior Design program. That is now how my September looks. It's a little overwhelming, but VERY exciting and after all...

There really is no time like now.