Saturday, April 9, 2011

The Friend-break-up

Well actually, I'm just ready to talk about something that has been bothering me for awhile. Trying to get it together in my head what I would say, exactly. How I'd want it to come across. I've been going through a break up of sorts from a friend I was fairly close to. I don't know if it's because I'm older now and can over analyze everything or if I've just ignored it until now, but the similarities in a friendship-break-up and a relationship-break-up are almost the same. You have to learn to fill your time with other things, other places, other people. When you have exciting news, you have to figure out someone new to call. You have to find new people to rely on.

For most people, after either kind of break up, they are left questioning their "picker". You know that little thing that points you at one person and not another. Be friends with her and not him and so on. I have had a streak of a few years of bad picking. I'm three for three. That's right, three for THREE. It's my own fault, I do it to myself and I'm not sure why. I allow people to take advantage of me, walk all over me, control the situation - just simply because I could care less. Then one day I realize its the fourth {{or ninth}} day in a row I'm visiting their house and they haven't been to mine in two weeks... or has it been three? Perhaps they never hung out at my house. Surely, that can't be right? How could I have a friend who's never hung out at my house? At about the time I have this realization, I start noticing other things that are less than desirable traits in people who are supposed to care about you. Like a crow sitting in the back of my brain, picking, picking, picking.

Maybe its their grammar. Maybe its a lie. Just a small one, but a lie nonetheless. Maybe its the way they speak to their spouse. Maybe its the lack of big-girl-panties and grown-upness. Maybe it's just their actions in general. A person's actions during bad times are a direct reflection to what their character is. My character is one of the most important things to me. If someone I'm hanging out with starts doing things that aren't in good character, bad things I'm going to be associated with, it's time to reconsider the situation.

This picking goes on in my brain for awhile. Because I'm a glutton for punishment, mostly. I want to really make sure I'll be good and tired of the situation before I back off. Then one day something happens, whether it be getting dicked over by someone you've been helping for 8 months, emotional breakdowns or an adult being unnecessarily rude to a 14 year old child that's not hers. Whatever it is, it happens and I'm done. No fight. No yelling, no talking, no nothing. Just. done. Doesn't need an explanation.

So, this is whats been rolling around in my brain for the last month. Getting over yet another bad friendship. Wondering if I could possibly keep from doing this to myself again in the future. Wondering if I should have paid closer attention to something. Wondering if I should have listened when J {{and others}} points these things out? wondering...

Just like any break-up... just left wondering.

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